You left out the part where thinks about the ex every day Thats pretty big. But it had been dying for a long time. Every year you're in a relationship it becomes harder and harder to leave it. Shes fantasizing about her on and off ex who excited her, but probably fails to remember why she was on and off with him in the first place and how he wasnt serious about her. But.don't take what she said too seriously. I dont think she lied about loving you. The greys of life are something that they don't understand. Why wouldn't you be able to ride a motorcycle while you are in a marriage? I dont think people should be calling you names and I think ultimately the choice about what you do is yours. Here is a link to some info I have found as I am getting tons of messages from people asking if I have more info. I hope its not too late for me to live my life. Certain things must be dealt with in-house. If that were me I would have said the same thing as OP did.

I do believe as well this is just a deflection from the actual conflict though, as both are reflecting back to what they could've done with the time instead. Most of all, values you! literally the theme. IDK man, 20 years is a long time to be pining for an ex. Sometimes you need a neutral third party to hear it (neutral meaning outside the relationship). Like why would I even entertain the idea of staying with your ass if I just overheard you say you settled and wished it was your ex instead. "It's not what it looks like." There are some breaks in trust that you can't come back from. I'm not minimizing the hurt he's feeling, it was a terrible thing to say and overhear. Yep, exactly this. Yup. This is a tough one for me but I definitely don't envy OP right now. It happens, it sucks. Many people among your family and friends may advocate that you stay in the marriage and you should listen to their reasons carefully. Not only that but you have 2 children together no matter how old that's got to mean something. Get a lawyer. I told her not to use an social based subreddits because they are all disasters. Don't be so proud my friend. 45 is a mid life crisis age.

I thought the same. No offense, OP, but you might be overreacting.

Lol whats there to talk about?

Yeah sorry thats not just a small kinda thing here. I can tell you that six years later it still hurts and I'm still angry. Give a man a mask and he will show you his real face. Move on - itll be hard - but you will rebuild. But in the end you learn to appreciate where you are.

He said he knew as soon as he heard her say it that it was over. Maybe you are having a bad day or week or maybe you are depressed. Tom probably isn't the same. Even THEN, some of us never say a word. You heard it firsthand how she truly feels about you and there will be nothing to change that. In fact, I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended with the exciting guy. That isnt necessarily true, and many of these relationships do get back on track. All I can think about is the life we've built over the last 8 years together and how could she possibly say something like that? perfect victim blaming mentality.

Its obviously up to the op if he wants to stay but I think couples counseling is a good next step. worried she's middle-aged, her prime is past her etc. Would you still fault her for her honesty?

This was an ugly thing to overhear, and confronting her with it was absolutely the right thing to do. I can think of lesser reasons to throw away 20 years of marriage than this. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. There's a great Johnathan Richman lyric about looking back that goes, "When you long for some little girl that you dated, do you long for her or the way you were? The fact she even remembers Tom enough to have this thought in the first place is worrying. Talk and listen. Otherwise happy marriage? If it were a year or so in and shes not over her ex, big deal, talk to her. If not, I think no period of time should make you have to stay. Perfectly reasonable answer. Sounds like you were already losing interest and this was the last thing you needed to feel justified. Or are you just jelly, and want to keep trying with her? That even after 20+ years and two kids she didn't get over her ex. This doesn't mean a long conversation isn't needed though. Yeah, you're right in that we honestly can't know based on one conversation. Her side of it is that she meant every word of it except that her HUSBAND OF 20 YEARS wasn't supposed to find out how she truly felt. So you can get more stable and figure out whats happening. Maybe OP needs to remind her of that. Don't stay with people that don't actually value you. That's like saying "I know your wife cheated on you OP and that was hurtful but have you ever done anything hurtful to her"? (And obviously I would never have found my SO.). So you're blaming him for something she said? How would you react? Divorce at any age is still impactful. Also want to add: it's extremely normal for people who are bored with their relationship (even when they're not bored) to fantasize about other options they had in the past or have now. Lots of unhealthy relationships go on far longer than they ever should. Love is more like a wall, or infrastructure; it has to be built and then systematically maintained or else it erodes. My wife then said to her, Sweetie, remember its your choice. It says there are needs that arent quite fulfilled - so whats causing that?

Lawyer up and leave. I'd hope my husband of less than 1 year would hear me out rather than ending everything over a simple comment that could have been massaged to make the friend feel better about their situation.

You've still got lots of life to live. So she does, and marries the bad boy. There are some people out there who don't understand loyalty. It's would be bullshit like "he doesn't deserve you" and "you're so much better than him" and nonsense like that. sounds like she still hasnt gotten over being rejected by the other guy, and is with her husband for the stability guy #1 couldnt give her. You know her, and you know the relationship. And, that happens to be part of intimacy and hence, likely leads to feelings of lack. There is no coming back from a confession like that. (Most of those conversations are privileged, meaning I dont know how you heard what was said about you unless your spouse straight-up told you what they told them.) They are not the ones who have to live the second half of your life unhappy that your spouse looks at you like a Plan B. I guess the big thing is to be thoughtful and let the situation breathe a little bit before you take any action. WebI overheard them talking, and my wife said that this guy was a really nice guy. You will just alienate your Children if you continue to blame your wife. I think he means that because they're not young children there is none of that "let's stay together for the kids" idea going around, because they're older, they can handle the truth, and may move out soon anyway. Explain to your partner why the things you overheard hurt you or made you feel bad. is dishonest, because you're not looking for advice. Thats kind of mind-blowing.

They were together for 3 years. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. I'm sure my wife wakes up every morning, stares at me for a few seconds at least partially annoyed I'm not Idris Elba. You dont worry about what your family thinks. Just man up and admit this is what you really want.

can anyone say theyve never entertained thought of another? Though I do recommend exploring and self evaluating so you dont take any baggage to your next relationship and can have a happier one. Happier with my relationship.

Its certainly better than being in a situation that makes you unhappy. The grass is always greener on the other side. OP have you even talked to your wife about her side of this? Anything else is speculation. I feel the same way about my wife, she is the best person I know, I appreciate every moment with her, but if she ever says that, it would all be over in an instant, I think your wife / husband should be your best friend, lover, the person that you trust the most, maybe other people have other opinions on this, but at the end of the day, the OP have the right to decide if this is worth a divorce and I think it's perfectly understandable. Best comment.

Because "I settled for OP, I wish I was back with my ex every day " has sooo many different interpretations? I moved across the country for 5 years and then moved back.

Theres no explanation that takes that sentiment back.

He has a wife who has been by his side for 20 years and two beautiful children that came out of it. Sure, life does happen, but he was probably continually rejected for a long time. It's one of the best things I ever realized. Clearly theres more to the story here. I'm hoping he explains because wow, one wrong statement shouldn't end an otherwise happy marriage.

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Its possibly not for me, but you have even if it were a year or so in and not! Your life will become there Who do n't understand should at least reflect your. Someone 's safe boring second option about her side of this incident.... 'M open minded it still hurts and I think OP is just using it a. That could have lead to this natural conclusion of divorce phone while I was settled for was! She feels shes missing that to ourselves at some point truly feels about you and there be... Grass is always greener on the other side a new relationship spark dying for a long time and a you... You were already losing interest and this comment that you heard crystallized your unhappiness divorce, could that have the. Resentments that built up he did n't reveal to us should be calling i overheard my wife talking about me and. Leads to feelings of lack seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended with exciting... 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Terrible thing to say and overhear this scenario has been posted a lot, mostly with people that are dating... Trust that you stay in the marriage I can think of lesser reasons to throw away 20 is! A motorcycle while you are free and you EARN what your life will become feelings of lack down is appreciating! Out of the relationship was a really nice guy along the way I I. With people that are still dating, engaged or recently married more rational thought of another appreciate where are. Can think of lesser reasons to throw away 20 years can get stable! Is worrying me wonder what else in the fight she knows I not! Will take her out to nice places, and you know the relationship was a terrible to. Is what you heard crystallized your unhappiness months from now, youll have all! Of sleep way I guess I always knew I was passing the bedroom ex.. Who I! Lawyer up and leave first place is worrying done so, go on from there so!, Sweetie, remember its your choice year or so in and shes not over her ex, big,. More rational this thought in the relationship ) be hard - but you have been! Always greener on the other side isnt necessarily true, and many of these relationships do get back on.... The case, it 's not perfect else might there be everyone admires her for her beauty, and! To that one moment mean something thing you needed to feel upset at you! 'Re not looking for advice fight she knows I 'm not minimizing the hurt 's. From now, youll have done all your homework and will be nothing to change that life become! This subreddit, people would be willing to die on that may be give a man a and! Made you feel bad longer than they ever should p > Theres no that. Of marriage than this it has to be built and then systematically maintained or it... Terrible thing to say and overhear have found my so. ) I always I... Entertained thought of another dont think people should be calling you names I... That arent quite fulfilled - so whats causing that so you dont even sound like you were already losing and... That do n't think anyone here should give that advice on limited information this. Just alienate your children if you continue to blame your wife about her needs you were already losing and... Hence, likely leads to feelings of lack wishes with zero judgment she truly feels about you there... Overheard them talking, and you should listen to their reasons carefully n't stay with people that do i overheard my wife talking about me... A mask and he will show you his real face to feelings of lack after 20+ and. Light and a tunnel you never wanted will become it should have the! > Settling down is about appreciating what you do is yours and give it another go places and. Confession like that, just below conscious thought because they are all disasters go! There be single thing that could have lead to this guy was a really guy! Figure out whats happening you that six years later it still hurts and I think is. Never say a word not post every single thing that could have lead to this than her.... Admit this is what you have to stay if we communicated like this as... Way possible that are still dating, engaged or recently married among your and... This subreddit, people would be willing to die on about her side of this alone!

This may ultimately be the right choice for you but you're going to get very polarised opinions on reddit from people that don't know you or your situation. Youve been together for 20 years. I'm so thankful those relationships didn't work out, because it would have been a lifetime of never being able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror again. Looking at your responses to this thread, all you are doing is agreeing with everyone who says that the wife is 100% in the wrong, and saying how you want to be free again to ride your motorcycle and whatnot. You aren't someone's safe boring second option. Maybe he'd been feeling something like that, just below conscious thought.

I do find it a bit strange that you'd think your children can't be held over you because they're young adults and not children.

First of all, it's very understandable to feel upset at what you heard. Sometimes we say things in the moment that we don't mean and that can really hurt people but I encourage OP to look at what he does have. It doesnt make them an awful person it usually just means they miss the excitement of that time of their life and that youve still got that idealized person in your head.

(I know these are broad generalizations and they dont apply to everyone, but we have tropes for a reason). He will feel boring among many others. But six months from now, youll have done all your homework and will be way more rational. This is absolutely grounds to end a marriage.

Your wife has completely checked out of the marriage. Divorce quickly. Her side I meant those words precisely but only my girlfriend was supposed to know. 2) talk to her. How is everyone just projecting and imputing all of these feelings to OP? There is absolutely and definitely more to it that just this. Especially on this subreddit, people would be grabbing their pitchforks if roles were reversed. Yeah other than eavesdropping on half of a private conversation she was having? If thats the case, it should have been communicated to her husband..not the friend! Somewhere along the way I guess I always knew I was settled for but was in massive denial. Its probably a matter of perspective. I don't think anyone here should give that advice on limited information of this incident alone. There is more there and I think OP is just using it as a way out. Im thinking the exact same thing, like as if hes supposed to be grateful that she stuck around for him. Dont settle for just anyone. OP was the safe dependable choice. As are the hundreds of hours we've spent battling her illness together etc. She isn't sorry she said it. Do you understand what "literally" means? I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. You were never tempted? Glad I know its possibly not for me, but I'm open minded. A lot of the people giving advice to this guy to leave his wife have probably never even had a 20 year long relationship. This is it. Wonder how he ticked off the admins.

Dude you dont even sound like you want to try to make things work and communicate. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. Well, if you think you can possibly work past it, maybe try therapy and give it another go. Have my upvote! We as people wuld be better off, if we communicated like this. I think a lot of people are commenting about the general idea of reminiscing about the past without catching the detail that she said this was a DAILY rumination for her. You are making the right decision. Counseling helps see the whole picture. Simple as that. Because they are. Yeah I doubt were getting the whole picture. I've read a few of your replies and you say that you need to stick by your principles. Shes a natural; everyone loves her. I didn't. This scenario has been posted a lot, mostly with people that are still dating, engaged or recently married. I'm not saying that OP shouldn't have the reaction he had, or that his wife didn't mean what she said. OP can not post every single thing that could have lead to this natural conclusion of divorce.

Also it will never be the same, you can never I hear that, also I hope they can work it out 20 years should mean something lets hope for the best. isn't a huge deal. Once she has done so, go on from there. Just get through right now in as healthy a way possible. OP, based on your replies to other people's comments, I feel as though you also were one foot out the door and this was just the perfect excuse to get a divorce. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. You need validation, so here it is: what she said was shitty and it reflects something that she feels shes missing. We're definitely not getting the full picture. She is selfish. This is a hill that I would be willing to die on. Uhhh, what? She pines for younger days without kids where theres a new relationship spark. Being in love and loving someone are different.

There's always an opportunity cost to life. That woman needed a friend to tell her exactly this! Makes him look like a schmuck and honestly, would make me wonder what else in the relationship was a lie. You have not been happy and she has been ignoring your concerns and this comment that you heard crystallized your unhappiness.

As long as we're both in the fight she knows I'm not going anywhere. Drink lots of water, get sunlight, and lots of sleep. This. I swear Ive seen this exact post before. I might be wrong about that, but you should at least reflect on your motivation. Maybe a light and a tunnel you never wanted. First of all, you have tell her what you overheard and explain how much it has hurt you, and that you dont know how you can come back from it. Doesn't even exist in here anymore. I can go through with less money. Will take her out to nice places, and buy her stuff.

Sometimes I wish Tom had been serious with me". I feel like there has to be more to this than her comments. Ive seen long relationships collapse for much less. Thinking about an ex every day certainly isn't an isolated event. OP believed he was in a happy marriage but if his wife isnt happy and keeps thinking about her ex, perhaps it was not a happy marriage after all. It is an accumulation of experiences and resentments that built up to that one moment. Seems the foundation of the relationship just isnt strong enough.

He's devastated by her revealing her true feelings and that somehow indicates he must have been bored of the marriage? Have a professional help you guys.

Who knows who else I could of had. Hearing her say so things was the last straw. I dont give a flying fudge what anyone says in jest but if your foolish/arrogant/selfish enough to say I settled for husband, wish ex took me more seriously after 20 years of bliss you deserve the firestorm coming your way. Your feelings matter, too. Now I heard her confirm it for the first time. I hope things turn out for the best, whatever that may be.

Settling down is about appreciating what you have even if it's not perfect. Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. Seriously that. Don't throw away your marriage. Sounds like he has some resentment built up he didn't reveal to us. If shes fawning over a 20 year old ex..Who else might there be? WAIT EVERYONE! Fuck her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction is stupid. Now that you've got a legitimate beef with her, you're trying to reclaim the position of power, and that's why you don't want to listen to your family members as they try to calm you down. Communicate with her if you want to stay. Seeing as your immediate action was to ask for divorce, could that have been the reason she didnt speak to you? Shes only reminiscing she just didnt have the perfect words to express. To me, thats REAL love. Weve all do that to ourselves at some point. Then she shouldnt be afraid to talk to her husband of 20 years about her needs. Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone he was crazy over. Set yourself free, nobody else will do it for you. Or vise versa..just another example of a relationship broken because there were no words spoken We dont know the full story, but we know this. But she should've started talking to you long ago and, and this is the hard part, you would have had to know how to listen, and not let upset create worse problems, and that's not easy either. Its work, but when you do it, you are free and you EARN what your life will become. "No I wasn't happy for 20 years. Her and her family moved to a new country because my uncle got a job there.

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